What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 03.07.2025 01:41
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Was to survive, this bastard.
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We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
What does it mean when a British person says "I can't be asked"?
Put me off passion for life!!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Especially a lifetime of it.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
What was something you did naughty with your cousin?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
How can we get rid of viral fever naturaly?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Im still living with it.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I waited trembling.
What are some questions obviously just asked for sexual gratification?
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
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And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
It was going to be , some day.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
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I know ,a lot about trauma.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
One cannot live in the past .
I can not sleep. what is the problem?
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I think the readers, may guess!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I was seconnd youngest,
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But ive been too sick for many years..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
All the time i was locked up.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
So, i spoilt her more .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I have no regrets .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
We were not on the streets..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I couldn’t, believe it.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She loved him until the end.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He knew the spot.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Why did i forgive my father ?
He resisted the act ,that day.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
But, we were locked up after school.
Who then, do I blame.?
Ive learnt so much.
I said to her
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
What did i know ?
I was very sick at this time too.
As i do to all so called friends.?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
My life is so biszare .
Comes on , in middle age.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
When she asked me how she looked .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I write beautiful poetry .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I was scared of men, in general
I will be 64.
She married twice! .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She wouldn,t have been !
My family never makes their pension either.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Would this be the day?
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She found it foreign!.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
So whats the point in blame.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I was 9 years of age.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She was in good health!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I never cut or harmed myself..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I don,t even have a pension.
And i lived it daily.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
We all went to grammer schools
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
This is soul school!.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But it wasn’t much.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
(And it was in our own minds.)
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)